I feel like a monster

Skillet...to describe what you feel
Monster lyrics
Songwriters: Brown, Gavin; Cooper, John Landrum;

The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream
Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I've gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

Dont only follow your heart...

1 John 3:20
"...for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and He knows everything"

The Man in the Glass

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow who's verdict counts most in your life
Is the once staring back from the glass

You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you cant look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of yeats
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass

                                      -Anonymous

How can this be...

I am so in love with Jesus, there are moments that drive me to in sanity when I think how much I love my LORD. I really want to do everything I can  to make Him approve, make Him to accept, make myself acceptable to His abounding love...
But  continually seem to disappoint. I make one promise, to get it misconstrued, altered, changed, distracted. Why does it happen so that the more you want something, the easier it gets distracted from your true goal. Something that you may want for a while can come and upset the balance that you have and totally alter your view of the final goal...
God, my God, let me your people, and please, be my God....
I know each day I give my life to You, I commit it to you, daily, then why God, does it happen that these things come along and "so easily ensnare us" as Paul writes...
To err is human, yes, but is it beyond human nature and is it unworthy characters that make a man fall over and over again...the same mistakes, so easily pushing you beyond what you promise.
God claims He will never give us anything more than we can handle...then why so does it seem just so easy that I cant handle these distractions. He must have so much faith in me...and this leads to my guilt, as He trusts me so much, has so much faith in me, believes in me with everything, and then I go and throw it all out the window...
Oh God, my God...please help me to Love You, with all that I am, all that I have...please forgive me where I go wrong, help me to recognise that which may throw me off the ultimate walk with you...
And help me to love you, and only you, with more love than is realised in my life....
I love You, my LORD...

Lead me LORD

Psalm 119: 9-10
"How can a Young man keep his way pure?
By guarding it according to Your word.
With my whole heart I seek You;
let me not wander from your commandments"

Its not for anyone else

Take Everything

One year...
One human
One mission
One LORD...

Have you ever messed up so badly that you wish it was possible to start all over again? Sometime its easy to just stop where you are, laugh at your mistakes and as easy as that, start things a new...
Sometimes its not.
Sometimes you have messed up so colossally, gone so off track, made such a huge screw up, that simply starting anew is just not possible. You wish you could with everything inside of you, just press stop, reset and start again. You would give everything in the world just to restart, give everything you possibly could, just to start afresh.

And this is what this is all about.

Is there a story that starts this? Yes there is
Is there a motivation for this too, of course. But, most importantly, there is a purpose for this mission too. Its probably stupid, crazy, decided on a whim. Probably.
But what if its not. What if the uncertainty of sharing this really has a purpose. What if sharing my story, really actually does accomplish something that I never knew possible.
What if it actually works??
Well I guess thats what I am about to find out...

I have decided, that for one year, to completely give up on dating, starting a relationship, staying away from all relationships, for one calender year.
Why you may ask? For the sake of my soul, for the sake of my future partners soul, and most importantly, for the sake of getting to know what God has in store for my life.
Far too long I have claimed NO to marriage, stated that I make a bad partner, stated that I am not worth it...stated that I have not forgiven myself.
And now its time to face up, stand up, man up, give up, and look up.

Flee baby, flee (Message 3)